It was the end of a televised nightmare: Day after day of politicians and lawyers droning on and on (and on) in the most boring impeachment saga in history were about to end. The Senate had arrived at the last question of the day for the House impeachment managers. Whoever got to the microphone first would be the final person to speak on Day 9 of the “historic” impeachment trial of President Donald Trump.
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) knew that history was calling him toward that microphone. He had rehearsed this moment in front of a mirror, just like he had learned to do in acting classes back in Burbank.
Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) had other plans. Nadler had been waiting for this moment as well. So, when the final question was asked, Jerrold Nadler hitched his pants up – waaaay up. No guts, no glory.
Nadler began his race for the title, making it out of the starting blocks before Adam Schiff had even risen from his chair. It was the fastest that Jerrold Nadler had moved since… well, let’s not kid ourselves. It was the fastest that Speedy Gonzalez Nadler had ever moved.
All that Adam Schiff had time to do was get up from his chair while weakly calling to the obvious victor’s waddling backside, “Jerry. Jerry. Jerry!?”
It was like a pencil-necked bobblehead doll chasing an Oompa Loompa. There could be only one.
Adam Schiff will now forever be known as the man who lost a foot race to Jerrold Nadler.
Jerrold Nadler stole Adam Schiff’s thunder and glory in the final waning moments of the failed impeachment of Donald Trump. So, of course, the Trump campaign immediately set Nadler’s Last Run to the “Chariots of Fire” theme song and tweeted it out.
If you watch closely, you can see Senators and Trump’s defense team laughing as Nadler puts on his final burst of speed. It was as if Speed Demon Nadler had spotted the last mini cheeseburger at the Golden Corral buffet. He wasn’t going to be denied.
While it was hilarious and sort of weird to watch that moment unfold, it’s also important to pause and reflect on the incredible damage that the party of Democrat buffoons has inflicted on America. What have we really learned from this impeachment farce?
First and foremost, impeachment will never again be the “final option” when it comes to dealing any future president, whether they break the law or not. Impeachment is simply another political tool in the Democrats’ toolbox now and will be used to hamstring any future Republican president, no matter how whimsical or stupid the charges are.
Republicans won’t immediately adopt this fantasy impeachment tactic over the next decade, because they’ll still be attempting to be the adults in the room. I give it at least two more baseless, pointless impeachments against Republican presidents before the GOP throws up their hands in disgust and begins using the tactic right back against a Democrat president.
If the Democrats manage to hold onto the House in 2020, we may see a second Trump impeachment during his second term.
And don’t even get me started on his third term! Fortunately, recent history has shown that voters are not kind to the party that impeaches a president – even if that president is guilty of perjury, tampering with evidence, and suborning perjury from dozens of women to cover up his history of sexual harassment and sexual abuse (but that’s a different story).
Second, we’ve learned that Democrats are so lacking in people skills and decision-making skills that it would be a bad idea to leave them in charge of a bake sale at your child’s school. Jerrold “The Flash” Nadler insulted the members of the impeachment jury – the US Senators trapped in the chamber with him – during his opening remarks.
Pro Tip: If you ever find yourself participating in a jury trial as the prosecutor, it’s probably not your best move to turn to the jury and call them a bunch of cowards who are complicit in a coverup with the accused.
Even though Americans were not watching the impeachment saga on TV, we hope that this bumbling incompetence filtered through to them, so they’ll know not to put Democrats in charge of anything this November.
And the final thing we learned from the impeachment trial is that Adam Schiff couldn’t win a foot race against Jerrold Nadler. Sorry, we couldn’t resist!
