I have a confession to make: It’s been several months now since I’ve actually been able to gird my loins to the point where I could sit through anything that the Democrat 2020 candidates are doing on TV. I wasn’t prepared for how incredibly… old… they would all look when I finally tuned into politics again by trying to watch the Iowa caucuses. They were so old it was burning my eyes.
What were they doing?! It was literally embarrassing to watch this group of elderly adults whoring themselves for votes from Iowans. What was wrong with them? They were all so gross, wrinkly and decrepit… and why were Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar using those weird fake Hispanic accents? Such blatant pandering. I also wondered how I had missed the news that Warren and Klobuchar had now teamed up and were campaigning together.
Curiosity finally got the better of my wife and she came in the room to see why I was yelling at the TV.
“Look at these pathetic shills at the Iowa caucuses,” I told her. “I can’t even understand a word that Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar are screeching at the caucus-goers with those fake accents. They’re all so wrinkly and… and… old! This might be the most shameful display I’ve ever seen candidates for president engaged in.”
Then my wife informed me that I had accidentally turned on a replay of the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Oops.
So, I finally managed to flip the channel to the Iowa caucuses for some results and boy did that ever turn into a hot mess!
The Iowa caucuses are a simple and yet mindboggling process that the rest of America tries to figure out every four years. Iowans go to a nearby high school gym with a handful of other people. There are speeches sometimes, and then Iowans go stand in a corner to show their support for their particular candidate. If you like Amy Klobuchar, you go stand in the Klobuchar Corner and so on.
Then, they count you. If the people in any one candidate’s group are too short or too tall, that group gets kicked off Twitter. Or something. I told you it was confusing.
By the end of the night, Iowans have divided their delegates up in varying percentages that they’ll send to the DNC Convention next summer. See: Complex yet simple. It really just boils down to counting people in small groups in a gym.
Counting. You’d think that would be pretty easy. The Iowa Caucuses were a big moment that the Democrats had been preparing for since 2017. They spent three years getting ready to do some hardcore counting.
They announced this with some fanfare.
“We are the PARTY OF SCIENCE,” declared DNC Chairman Tom Perez. “Look on us, ye peasants, and despair as we unveil the technological wonder of an APP that can count people!”
I can tell you exactly what went wrong right there. Democrats are so enamored with their Silicon Valley toys from their donors that they relied on some Bay Area company to create an app for counting. And since all the tech companies in California have fired their American workers and replaced them with cheap coders from India…well…no need to spell it out for you, you just saw what happens when you replace American workers with ones from third world countries.
It could take a few days before we actually know the official results of the Iowa Democrat Caucuses. In 2012 Iowa officials initially declared Mitt Romney the winner. Only to turn around two weeks later after a recount was complete to say they made a mistake and actually Rick Santorum had won. And remember the last election in California, when it took them four months just to count the votes? Good times with the party of science.
Dazzle us some more with your apps, Democrats, as you stomp your feet up and down and demand that we put you in charge of stuff because we Americans are so deplorable.
Meanwhile, the American Republican Caucuses in Iowa went off without a hitch. They had record-high turnout that smashed Obama’s 2012 turnout for the Iowa caucuses. And since they were not beholden to Silicon Valley donors to provide them with the equivalent of a digital abacus, the American Republicans managed to count every caucus goer without a hitch. 97% for Trump, despite having way more people to count.
